Hmmm!! What it will feel like?

When one falls into Love, one does not merely first touch it with the tip of their toes to check the temperature.You dive right in and take plunge. It feels good during the initial days, feels like you are on cloud nine, everything goes according to some celestial plan, you find yourself more beautiful and even if things or other relations in your life may take a back seat. Hell! you dont care because you are magically twisted, with those goosebumps in your stomach when you answer his call or when your heart skips a beat when he passes by you or may be you turn red when he is real close and leans in to your ear to say something and you feel his breath on your skin. Gosh, i must have seen tonnes of rom-com to be ablet o write this.

Each relationships or encounters i have had in my life have been different. One never feels the same way about everyone.

Though i have been on the side of being in a relationship but i cannot say i was in relationships.
I have forgotten the feeling of falling in love nor do i crave for it anytime soon. But i sometime wonder and ponder if and when this does happen in the future, will it be true and everlasting. For how long will i be able to cherish that ? 

Letting Go

I have been noticing something lately. Saints usually give up all the materialistic desires in search of The Spiritual  one. Though, initially they are termed lunatics who left behind flourishing careers or even royalties in search of inner peace. They also gave up materialistic desires of spending lives with wife or even money or human company altogether for that matter.

I am talking about the work of Gautam Buddha. He one fine day decided that he can no longer rule his kingdom and went on to live in forests and he was called crazy for giving up his birth right. But once he had attained the enlightenment, his teachings were widespread and everyone started believing in him.

So, i am not a Godly creature or someone who is out on a quest. But yes i do wish to prove something to nobody else but myself. I wish to achieve a goal that i have set up. ( cannot disclose it right now. dont want to jinx it ). And so for that i am shunning away from society. I have stopped answering calls on my cell. It helps because lately i dont have anything new to share with my friends. Life is dull and boring or i should say i have made it like that. I dont socialize anymore. Earlier a coffee invitation or a new weekend release would have been my top priority or for that matter a new restaurant opening in the town would definitely ensure that sometime soon i would drop by to check what it has to offer ( as i am a foodie....lately not so much).

I am becoming alter ego of what i used to be. I have heard my friends call me crazy. I would agree to them. I also wish if i can go off facebook. If i can achieve that i am sure i would be closer to my goal.
Once i achieve my goal the same set of backbiters who call me crazy now might then bend over backwards to meet and greet me. And may be even welcome my unwelcoming nature.

Lets hope i dont become a worse psychopath example.

PS: letting go off things so that i can achieve something better. :D

Scared of Dreams

Is it wrong for one person to dream?
if this was a happy and chirpy write up and wanted to boost some confidence in me, i would say "Yeah, one should dream and it isnt bad to have a dream". The realistic person in me would ask me to have possible or probable dreams so that at the end i am not disheartened.

So if someone says they dream of having a Lamborghini or a Porsche by the time they are 40. I would surely laugh my arse off and say like thats possible for a middle class person earning a salary of 35 to 45k a month and managing this. This isnt sarcasm . I am just being realistic. So if some one says they want to go for a mustache, it seems a possibility by ignoring shaving and we have mush mush on one's upper lip.  Its realistic and down right true.

But are there are dreams that one can have and they may seem impossible to achieve. Like clearing IIT, AIIMS, IAS , Defence exams,etc. Its not everyone's cup of tea. Even when one thinks about them, should i be sarcastic or supportive. Should i fear failure or monotonous life for the fool who dreamt it in the first place. What if i am the fool? Am i asking too much for me? Heck i dont even have the brains to solve a puzzle of my own life let alone try to compete and live a dream.

One should Dream, dont judge them as realistic or unrealistic. Dont be a chivalrous person like me who fails to work towards her dream.

Wishing everyone and me the strength to work towards dreams.
And dont be scared to work towards achieving dreams.


PS: I have started walking for 30 mins in the evenings. Lets see for how long i can continue the sham

Peaceful sight

Well a lot has been going through. Earlier, i used to be a motivating factor for others. They used to be impressed by my hard work and effort i put in everything.
Since i have resigned. I have been doing almost NOTHING. yes its true. ( jealous much ? nah i thought so )

Well since my graduation, i had never been free. Indeed i had taken the time off from work and stayed at home and did nothing again. But that was different. Even leave without pay would ensure some cash flow for me.

Now i am all broke and i dont have the sudden urge to go online and add something to cart. ( yes, i miss the power of e-commerce) and also the craze to try every new restaurant in town ( its a small city where i live. well not that small . but its nice and warm. more on that later)

So, i dont venture out much, Stay at home, drink my cup of tea or cups of tea, low intake of food as i dont feel hungry all the time. ( still managed to gain few pounds...give or take). And since i am all vehla (idle) so i think a lot. And this thinking starts just seconds before i rest my head on my pillow.

There used to be nights or i should say days ( i used to work nights earlier, so managed sleep during day time... its great and everything ) when as soon as i would lie on bed i would doze off. No dreams or nightmares and i wouldnt have to turn sides and it used to be peaceful. It was indeed nice because i used to be tired from the hardwork and everything.

Now since i am all free i even drive to the market to get stuff ( i am a lazy bum... market is just 3 blocks away :( ) And i wander at night. I wander till 4 am. I wish i could blame it all for the past 45 months sleep pattern ( thats the number of months i spent in my previous job). I lay awake, twisting and turning and i have tried counting sheep, reading and what not and i dont get sleep until and unless my eyes can no longer stay wide open. Weird thoughts run through my mind. Because of my relationship turmoil last year, i have successfully sabotaged my post grad. I am not proud or regretting it. So, yes it may be the prime cause of me from my rem sleep .

So i decided i would tire myself out. I got ready in the evening for a stroll. i tried a number so that i could talk to someone while i casually strolled in the park alone. But i was ignored. So i plugged in the ear phones and listened to my play list on my cell. Thank God for this option and for loners like me. It is a blessing in diguise.

While at park i stumbled to look at one of my neighbours daughter. she is mute since birth and two years ago she was finally married off. Here in India handicapped people dont have much financial or any other moral support from govt. Anyways she was holding a cell phone in her hand. I was minding my own work and i didnt even notice that why would she own a cell phone. Since she is mute, she cannot hear anyone speak something to her through the cell and also she cannot reply or say anything.

As i was about to pass her by, she recognized me ( i have known her through some mere acquaintance only ) and held her cell in front of me. A quick glance and i noticed she was on a video conf call with her husband. I was amazed and was happy at the same time for her. Although voice calling isnt that economical but seeing this made me happy. She made the sound of shaadi (marriage) from her mouth and i understood that she wanted me to know that she is married to the person who is on the other end of the call. I gave her a side hug and walked on.

The sight and everything happening around me was inspirational.

I tend to draw and learn lessons from life. I need not learn things from my own life experiences. Sometimes, while watching a movie or a tv serial or for that matter of fact meeting someone. One can easily interpret life and its metaphorical lessons.

I just learned i shouldnt be unhappy about anything. God has blessed me with almost everything. Surely i have nothing to feel handicapped about. But she was happy and at peace and i was not. Its just that i have a hunger for things immaterial. I wish to change that.

Also i want to bow my head down in gratitude to the higher power who has chosen me to have everything that one needs. I can walk, talk,eat, speak, run and do almost everything.

so i should have a dream and chase after it.

it is wise to say that one should have dreams in their eyes and they should keep you awake at night.

Peace !!


PS: Dad gave viral to sis and mum. Lil bro is sick too. I hope i am not following into the footsteps.

What's next?

Is it our Indian society like this, that we have to have this question looming around in the background of every budding child since the age of 14 years to adolescents and till he or she has kids...What's next?

This ever annoying question even if asked to us, by their favorite role model or for that matter of fact even a loved one makes everyone flabbergasted and deep inside a fear and may be a lump in the throat so hard to seep in.

Okay! You were enrolled into a very good private or a government school by your parents. ( or if you were pre schooled or prepped does not really help the point i am making). One usually starts at a tender age of 3 or 4 years going by the Indian Education standards. (not following any guidelines per se). A kid would always respond very jubilantly to the question asked. The next standard off course. Also, the kid might even would have made fun of the enquirer ( ke uncle aur auntie ko itna bhi nai pta...They dont even know it themselves). But all it seems to grow dark after Xth standard. What's next? Science, Arts, or Commerce, Humanities. 

The classic tale of blindly following the societal norms does not even ask the kids what do they want to do for themselves but they are asked to pursue future in engineering, sciences, accounts, what not. 

The same basic education would not even tell the same kid who is now well beyond in the teens where to deposit an electric bill, or where and how does one file a consumer complaint, let alone understand the basics of daily life.. but surely enough by XII standard, the kid will definitely know the difference between mitosis and meiosis, calculus and integration, and what not.

Parents tell the kid.. These two years ( XI and XII standard off course) will be the deciding foundation for your so called career. However they misled you and didn't help you with the fine print that said, Caution not for the faint heart or one who lacks certain amount of determination.

Next, Which college and which stream and what not. I hate the dread Ws of questions being hurled by neighbors, friends' parents, teachers, etc. The kid has passed the teens and thought now by the time i complete graduation i would have landed a decent job and i would have independence to have my own decision. 

Aha! There was another fine print. There aren't enough jobs for everyone. There is competition around. If one does not settle for any job anytime soon, disease : depression, hypertension, high blood pressure, etc start coming knocking at your door. And if you are at the job, the continuous hoard of being the best would push one to extremes of spending more hours at work, may be crib about the job. 

One thinks about the years gone by. Not a single year or a month went by when i could have lived my life happily or may be enjoyed myself. But then again, What's next?  comes knocking right again.

Marriage, Bank balance, further education, switching jobs, car and house, if married...when are the kids coming.

And we will die answering or trying to struggle our ways out of the vicious whirlpool of this question.

I wish i could get back those pre teen years when i would boast that i would be in the fifth standard and would use ink in my notebooks. But that is just me or everyone.

Peace!!

PS: If i was asked the question my answer would be ice cream off course. But it ain't that simple :( 

Nothing good happens after 2 AM.

Well this may have been copied from the Hollywood sitcom HIMYM. But it certainly is true. 

Why i am not in bed by this hour?
Well i have to complete a daunting task and whenever i try to do it, i procrastinate or lie about it. ( i am not a habitual liar).

Because of the guilt and everything i cannot fall asleep like normal people. I have to tire my body till the eyes close up. Not a great impression either. If someone reading this, he or she would definitely have passed me up as a lunatic or crazy person.

The sleep cycles are like this because since after my XII standard, i hardly used to sleep more than 4-5 hours in a day. Because i had tuition, school, studying and what not. College had assignments and project deadlines. And icing on the cake, my last job. ( night shifts)

So, if nothing good can ever happen after 2 AM. or the dreadful hour. I would like to assign a task to myself. 

If i can some up and meet the deadline then i would surely pamper myself. Else...pphhbt.

tick tock. i can hear the sound of the wall clock second hand going tick tock tick tock. its kind of annoying. 

I promise myself i am not going to rely on others to motivate me anymore, no more rom-com movies or sitcoms or books or newspapers. I am going to be self motivator. If i am not now then i dont know when i would be.

Peace !

PS: See, nothing good comes after 2 AM

Procrastinating and Day dreaming 

Are these two the same? The Question I ask myself as a joke and you may wonder how did she manage to write this entry altogether if she is procrastinating. Well one can easily the draw the conclusion from the style and loose ended discussion in this blog entry.

I do not aspire to be a one who writes about her daily issues and bores others. (Would I even get any readers for my blog?) I do not wish to be the next Carrie Bradshaw. ( I am not denying the fact that this could be awesome if I was). Well here is the first sign of both as suggested by the topic.

I am a dreamer but mostly I live dreams that others dream of me. I live cozily inside a shell that I have built in for myself and I am not that much daring to dream big. But I love to day dream and wander off thinking about things. Just the basics: clothes, romance, weather, conversation (I can have a two person conversation inside my head……not a lunatic either).

But wandering off (procrastinating) and day dreaming are they almost the same? Or even when one is turning sides and is having difficulty falling asleep.

Well I believe they both seem SAME to me. And I am a victim.

I recently quit my job as the company next hierarchical ladder was not something I was aspiring to be. Plus the work was brainless. And it resulted in making me dumb. I was an average student before with a little bit of hard work, I achieved good result. Now I was an American dumb blonde. Funny thing is I worked for Americans for almost 45 months and they turned me into one. (Send me a visa or better a citizenship)

Since I am free from any work commitments i suffer from above two.

Hopefully I would get around it and improve on my writing skills.